so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
