Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
