dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
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