i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
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