The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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