My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Randomize
