I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
