I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
