just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
