So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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