I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
