I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
