I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
