Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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