Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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