so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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