He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
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