Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I want to fling myself into the sun
Randomize
