Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
