Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.�
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Randomize
