She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
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