Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
