I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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