There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
