Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
