please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
