We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
