to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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