Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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