I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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