quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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