shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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