You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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