it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
