so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
