there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
