Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
