i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
