you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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