I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
