woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
