I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
