update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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