alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
