My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
