totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Randomize
