I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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