the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
