Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
