he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
